Forgive me dear readers, as I’ve obviously omitted a brilliant episode, but only my deep deep appreciation of the J Shore Finale + Reunion forces my turtle-esqe coverage onwards! Let's recap the terms of the recap just to be on the safe side of the boardwalk...
I will be making random points about what I thought were the most amazingly ridic moments of the show. Those moments will then be rated by real-life resident Jerseyian, J Lorenzo in the following ways:
FISTPUMPS: J loves this! He would do the same! He wishes he was getting punched in the face or falling down the stairs…
SNOOKI PUNCH: J thinks this is bogus, this would never happen on the Jersey Shore
Finale Episode: As we enter the opening scene of the finale, Snooki and Sammi ‘Sweet Tits’ are in a tizzy. Ronnie has just been arrested and/or won the juiced punch contest and has been dragged off to the big house. What do they do? Eat chips and call 911 naturally!
Randi Says: Right off the bat, Pauly’s shown cuddling with the Israeli Stalker (aka. disgrace to the chosen people). Bad sign. “You’re acting like Israelis”, she says (obviously this is her only reference point) and Pauly says that if they were Israelis they’d be using machine guns. This is funny, not true/sort of true and just retarded in general.
J Says: I don’t remember this happening... Pauly D cuddling with the Israeli?! I sooo do not support!!! Why do I not remember this?!
Randi Says: When Snooki calls the Police Station she just says, “Hi, I’m looking for Ronnie”
J Says: 10/10 Fistpumps!!! I mean... Can we expect any more/less from her?!
Randi Says: Sweet Tits feels the need to give special enunciation to ‘this is the first night I slept by…my…self”. She’s a such a selfish hag.
J Says: She deserves 10973403294 Snooki punches!!! Ummm... And she emphasized that she hadn’t slept without Ronnie the whole summer... Really?! I remember you were chomping on Mike’s d*** the first few days, Sweet Tits!
Randi Says: The Sitch’s reaction to the whole Ronnie drama is the best… “That’s what happens at the Jersey Shore”.
J Says: 10/10 Fistpumps wayyy high!!! It’s true, that IS what happens at the Jersey Shore... Trust me, I would know!
Randi Says: J-Woww just raised the bar on Jersey Shore attractiveness-twilight-zone to a whole new level… She wants to do a gorilla? Actually?
J Says: 500000000000 Fistpumps through the roof!!! That’s what we call ‘em here in Jersey, and that is sooooo my type! Gorilla all the wayyy!!! Wooh Wooh Wooh!!!
Randi Says: After she says that ‘Gorilla Juiceheads’ are her weakness, the camera pans to a semi attractive lean beach body, J-Woww points out that she most certainly was NOT referring to him… haha!
J Says: J-Woww got so many Fistpump points from me this episode it’s ridic! I felt a bond...
Randi Says: Another Sitch classic line; “Hey Ma, this is my new girlfriend for the next few months until summer comes and I break up with her”
J Says: 10/10 Fistpumps but he deserves Snooki punches!!! Typical Jersey Shore douchebag... Uggghhh... Thank God I only have sex with the ones that are “straight” and have these “few months” girlfriends... Ughhhh!
Randi Says: Snooki’s solo dance party on the beach is so so so so amazing. I would definitely slip her a fiver. And the best are the tourists’ facial expressions… somewhere between amused and utter disgust.
J Says: 9/10 Fistpumps! Apparently this is a young Jersian (Jerseyan?) thing... Cuz when tourists are around, they never know how to react to us... And Snooki’s got nothing on me! I apparently dance like a Stripper and I sooo support myself for it!!! (Editor's note: J is clearly fond of 'supporting' things...)
Randi Says: Ronnie refers to Sam as hysterical. Like, actually?
J Says: *PUKE*
Randi Says: I have multiple comments surrounding the Snooki Sitch’s Make Out Sesh:
-“If your hungry try a Snickers”… coming from Sitch, wouldn’t Snooki be insulted? Like, didn’t he just call her fat last episode?
-Why is she licking his nose?
-Obv Sitch refers to getting down with Snooki as ‘real quick’… he couldn’t help the Freudian slip...
Randi Says: Big point here: Why does everyone make repeated references to people taking away their memories? What the eff did their daddies do to them!
J Says: 7/10 Fistpumps... It’s a Jersey thing...
And now for the big guns… The Reunion
Randi Says: Ronnie’s fat and untanned blobness is grossing me out. I finally see what they mean about the tanning salon….
J Says: 10/10 Fistpumps! TOLD YOU!!! Nobody ever understands when I say tanning makes people like 39074574303 times hotter, and this proved it!!! And he really needed to stop laughing with his head back, it was NOT pretty...
Randi Says: I want to copy Pauly D and Sitch’s Beat the Beat Handshake Dance!
J Says: You make me sick Randi!
Randi Says: After Pauly D says “I’m Italian, I ain’t trying to rep no Jewish girls’ he gives the greatest ‘oh shit’ face ever.
J Says: 8/10 Snooki Punches. Just kidding”... Ummm, no you weren’t bitch! Psh!
Randi Says: OMG Sitch and Angelina aka. Jolie hooked up? WHY WASN’T THAT ON CAMERA?
J Says: I don’t remember this... I think I was too high on my meds form my hair transplant to remember all of this...
Randi Says: Vinny's total fess up to the fact that he’s never moving out of his momma’s house is amazingly entertaining.
J Says: 10/10 Fistpumps! That's the way we do! You go Vinny! You go!
Randi Says: SMUSH resurfaces!!
Randi Says: Sammi: “ I get very eww”
J Saays: My fave was Ronnie’s “That was yuckie like your face!” to the Sitch!
Randi Says: Even I don’t appreciate the ridiculousness of S and R’s breakup.
J Says: 10/10 Snooki Punches! They’re still together cuz they are Tweeting about shit together... Now don’t think I follow them, I just read this on Jezebel.com... (Editor's note: I'm a proud follower of all Jersey castmates! They are the ultimate Tweeters!)
Randi Says: Sammi is already ordering people around backstage. “Get me the first flight home”, haha1
J Says: Ummm... Isn’t home like a 30 minute car ride away from MTV studios in NYC?
Randi Says: Snookie: “Where did my pickle go?” of course is in reference to her not getting laid.
J Says: Oh Snooki! Aren’t you eating Mike’s pickle?!