Saturday, January 30, 2010

The Jersey Shore Finale and Reunion Episode Recap: Jersey Goes Gorilla!

Forgive me dear readers, as I’ve obviously omitted a brilliant episode, but only my deep deep appreciation of the J Shore Finale + Reunion forces my turtle-esqe coverage onwards! Let's recap the terms of the recap just to be on the safe side of the boardwalk...

I will be making random points about what I thought were the most amazingly ridic moments of the show. Those moments will then be rated by real-life resident Jerseyian, J Lorenzo in the following ways:

FISTPUMPS: J loves this! He would do the same! He wishes he was getting punched in the face or falling down the stairs…

SNOOKI PUNCH: J thinks this is bogus, this would never happen on the Jersey Shore

Finale Episode: As we enter the opening scene of the finale, Snooki and Sammi ‘Sweet Tits’ are in a tizzy. Ronnie has just been arrested and/or won the juiced punch contest and has been dragged off to the big house. What do they do? Eat chips and call 911 naturally!

Randi Says: Right off the bat, Pauly’s shown cuddling with the Israeli Stalker (aka. disgrace to the chosen people). Bad sign. “You’re acting like Israelis”, she says (obviously this is her only reference point) and Pauly says that if they were Israelis they’d be using machine guns. This is funny, not true/sort of true and just retarded in general.

J Says: I don’t remember this happening... Pauly D cuddling with the Israeli?! I sooo do not support!!! Why do I not remember this?!

Randi Says: When Snooki calls the Police Station she just says, “Hi, I’m looking for Ronnie”

J Says: 10/10 Fistpumps!!! I mean... Can we expect any more/less from her?!

Randi Says: Sweet Tits feels the need to give special enunciation to ‘this is the first night I slept by…my…self”. She’s a such a selfish hag.

J Says: She deserves 10973403294 Snooki punches!!! Ummm... And she emphasized that she hadn’t slept without Ronnie the whole summer... Really?! I remember you were chomping on Mike’s d*** the first few days, Sweet Tits!

Randi Says: The Sitch’s reaction to the whole Ronnie drama is the best… “That’s what happens at the Jersey Shore”.

J Says: 10/10 Fistpumps wayyy high!!! It’s true, that IS what happens at the Jersey Shore... Trust me, I would know!

Randi Says: J-Woww just raised the bar on Jersey Shore attractiveness-twilight-zone to a whole new level… She wants to do a gorilla? Actually?

J Says: 500000000000 Fistpumps through the roof!!! That’s what we call ‘em here in Jersey, and that is sooooo my type! Gorilla all the wayyy!!! Wooh Wooh Wooh!!!

Randi Says: After she says that ‘Gorilla Juiceheads’ are her weakness, the camera pans to a semi attractive lean beach body, J-Woww points out that she most certainly was NOT referring to him… haha!

J Says: J-Woww got so many Fistpump points from me this episode it’s ridic! I felt a bond...

Randi Says: Another Sitch classic line; “Hey Ma, this is my new girlfriend for the next few months until summer comes and I break up with her”

J Says: 10/10 Fistpumps but he deserves Snooki punches!!! Typical Jersey Shore douchebag... Uggghhh... Thank God I only have sex with the ones that are “straight” and have these “few months” girlfriends... Ughhhh!

Randi Says: Snooki’s solo dance party on the beach is so so so so amazing. I would definitely slip her a fiver. And the best are the tourists’ facial expressions… somewhere between amused and utter disgust.

J Says: 9/10 Fistpumps! Apparently this is a young Jersian (Jerseyan?) thing... Cuz when tourists are around, they never know how to react to us... And Snooki’s got nothing on me! I apparently dance like a Stripper and I sooo support myself for it!!! (Editor's note: J is clearly fond of 'supporting' things...)

Randi Says: Ronnie refers to Sam as hysterical. Like, actually?

J Says: *PUKE*

Randi Says: I have multiple comments surrounding the Snooki Sitch’s Make Out Sesh:

    -“If your hungry try a Snickers”… coming from Sitch, wouldn’t Snooki be insulted? Like, didn’t he just call her fat last episode?

    -Why is she licking his nose?

    -Obv Sitch refers to getting down with Snooki as ‘real quick’… he couldn’t help the Freudian slip...

Randi Says: Big point here: Why does everyone make repeated references to people taking away their memories? What the eff did their daddies do to them!

J Says: 7/10 Fistpumps... It’s a Jersey thing...

And now for the big guns… The Reunion

Randi Says: Ronnie’s fat and untanned blobness is grossing me out. I finally see what they mean about the tanning salon….

J Says: 10/10 Fistpumps! TOLD YOU!!! Nobody ever understands when I say tanning makes people like 39074574303 times hotter, and this proved it!!! And he really needed to stop laughing with his head back, it was NOT pretty...

Randi Says: I want to copy Pauly D and Sitch’s Beat the Beat Handshake Dance!

J Says: You make me sick Randi!

Randi Says: After Pauly D says “I’m Italian, I ain’t trying to rep no Jewish girls’ he gives the greatest ‘oh shit’ face ever.

J Says: 8/10 Snooki Punches. Just kidding”... Ummm, no you weren’t bitch! Psh!

Randi Says: OMG Sitch and Angelina aka. Jolie hooked up? WHY WASN’T THAT ON CAMERA?

J Says: I don’t remember this... I think I was too high on my meds form my hair transplant to remember all of this...

Randi Says: Vinny's total fess up to the fact that he’s never moving out of his momma’s house is amazingly entertaining.

J Says: 10/10 Fistpumps! That's the way we do! You go Vinny! You go!

Randi Says: SMUSH resurfaces!!

Randi Says: Sammi: “ I get very eww”

J Saays: My fave was Ronnie’s “That was yuckie like your face!” to the Sitch!

Randi Says: Even I don’t appreciate the ridiculousness of S and R’s breakup.

J Says: 10/10 Snooki Punches! They’re still together cuz they are Tweeting about shit together... Now don’t think I follow them, I just read this on Jezebel.com... (Editor's note: I'm a proud follower of all Jersey castmates! They are the ultimate Tweeters!)

Randi Says: Sammi is already ordering people around backstage. “Get me the first flight home”, haha1

J Says: Ummm... Isn’t home like a 30 minute car ride away from MTV studios in NYC?

Randi Says: Snookie: “Where did my pickle go?” of course is in reference to her not getting laid.

J Says: Oh Snooki! Aren’t you eating Mike’s pickle?!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Lanvin's Going Bag Lady Chic for Pre-Fall 2010

I feel like such a ninny opinionizing Pre-Fall this late in the game, but I’m just going to come out there with one point before I get on with it. Can we for just a sec all agree that the in between collections are like 4000 times better than the big kahunas of Fall and Spring? Balenciaga! Givenchy! Each collection was more perfect than the next! Agreed?

Anyways though, what I really wanted to talk about is how awesome Lanvin’s bag-lady extravaganza was. While some still cleave to minimalist simplicity, I always prefer a collection that embraces an ‘everything but the kitchen sink’ type of haphazard layering (lets not forget my undying love for Edie Beale either...) I can certainly see myself in Elbaz’s animal print-tastic overdone outfits and the fact that he is said to have been inspired by the ‘leopard lady’, a Parisian woman who is never seen without her leopard coat, even during 90 degree temps, tickles my particular fancy!

Monday, January 18, 2010

The Jersey Shore Episode 7 Recap: What Happens in Atlantic City Stays in Atlantic City (unless it's broadcast nationwide...)

Given that Jers Shore Finale is happening this Thursday (!!!), you’ll only be getting my two cents for approx. three episodes, but here goes, Guidettes! I will be making random points about what I thought were the most amazingly ridic moments of the show. Those moments will then be rated by real-life resident Jerseyian, J Lorenzo in the following ways:

FISTPUMPS: J loves this! He would do the same! He wishes he was getting punched in the face or falling down the stairs…

SNOOKI PUNCH: J thinks this is bogus, this would never happen on the Jersey Shore

Episode 7 was like a trip down memory lane for me, as I myself took a similarly grimy trip to Atlantic City when I was a Teen Vogue intern. During our weekend of amazingness in good ole AC, my wallet was stolen; passport confiscated and learned that many Atlantic City residents carry guns in their cars as a regular practice. Ok, on to my fave moments of this latest hour of bliss:

Randi Says: I’d first like to point out that I have a major hate-on for Sammi ‘Sweetheart' because she is not ‘hot’ in the least bit and I can’t understand how she got her ‘hot girl’ crown. She is also a drunken mess like 75% of every episode and says the most ridic things ever and somehow always gets Ronnie to apologize! Please explain! Am I doing something wrong? Should I be wearing bootie shorts every say too? Should I compulsively be touching my razor sharp mousy grey/brown hair too? Euch.

J Says: 8/10 Fistpumps... All Guidettes have their men on leashes! But their men also be fistpumping with every girl in site behind their back, so it’s a typically balanced Jersey relationship.

Randi Says: Ronnie starts calling J-Woww J-Lo for some reason in this episode. Is he trying to be funny (because he’s the funny one?) or are the Roids just getting to his head?

J Says: 10/10 Fistpumps... Those juiceheads always be changing names... Remember he started calling Snooki “Schnikers” within the first five minutes of the first episode.

Randi Says: The Situation believes that him and his date were pretty cute… what?

J Says: Is this the “sloppy seconds”? If so, 100000000 Fistpumps!!! That is every guido and guidette EVER TO BE BORN! That girl was a camera whore anyway, AND a hooker! Well, “hooka” if you say it with my accent.

Randi Says: Snooki’s general encounter with ‘The Cowboy’ was like the best thing ever! All of these amazing lines happened in under 10 minutes!

“I like save animals”
“I’m not a Guido I’m a Guidette” (big distinction here I suppose...)
“I really liked him, I don’t know why we didn’t have sex”
“I know he’s clean”

J Says: 7/10 Snooki Punches! No self-righteous Guidette would ever hook up, nor even want to hook up with some “cowboy”. He was nasty anyway, clean as The Situation, as far as I’m concerned.

Randi Says: I’m not even going to wait for J’s commentary… 10 fist pumps way UP for The Situation and Vinny’s fight about being cocksucksers

J Says: 10 Fistpumps indeed!!! This is just self-explanatory.

Randi Says: Ok wait. Pause. One thing I’d like to point out amidst all of these delightful comments is that this is the first episode where I started to feel like the show’s hilarity was a tad scripted, like maybe it’s because I don’t know a thing about Italians, but Pauly’s Israeli flame is something I sure do know a thing our two about: Firstly, there is like no way in hell she would suggest to eat Kosher food because Israelis never eat kosher food! Secondly, she would not have been freaked out about having pre-marital sex because obvi that’s the only kind of sex Israelis know and love!

J Says: 10/10 Fistpumps... Honey you haven’t been livin in Jersey... Those Israeli bitches be all about those hottt Gotti Boys Guidos... And they definitely stalkas! Me and my boy had to deal with one of them bitches the other night, AT A GAY BAR!!!

Randi Says:
While we’re still on the Israeli chick, I love how Pauly doesn’t even have a Passport! I mean what would the point be in visiting Italy, right?

J Says: 8/10 Fistpumpsss... These guidos think they Italian, but they aint! Talk to one about why they drive BMWs, and they say “because it’s Italian”

Randi Says: Ronnie appears to have made his first funny: The Situation: “I like my girls like my clothes, with plenty of options” Ronnie: “You like your girls like your underwear, dirty”

J Says: 3 Snooki Punches... Ronnie just makes me sick...

Randi Says:
I’m sad to say that I were on JS, I’d probably be Snooki. If only for the fact that she’s always saying ‘Fuck my life’. But really though, poor effing Snooki! The Sitch calling her fat was probs worse than the Sucker Punch in the bar.

J Says: 5/10 Fistpumps for the Sitch... Please, I called that bitch a fat how at the D’Jai’s Reunion Party cuz her and her busted friends were splashing water in the pool all over everyone, even though they were wearing the full Fall Collection of sparkly dresses from Joyce Leslie... TRASH! (Editors note, I have no idea what J is talking about here but it sounds sooooo authentic doesn’t it?)

Randi Says: lolsies x1000 to “I want to stab him in the eyeball”

J Says: 2/10 Fistpumps... I’ve heard better, they need to find some hardcore guidettes. This aint nuttin as to what I’ve seen!

Randi Says: Why is J-Woww always humping guys on stages? Humping. Not Grinding.

J Says: 10/10 Fistpumps! I do that shit too girl! You go J-Woww, You go!!! Woooooohhhhh! But I grind as well, and touch myself, so I’m better!

Randi Says: lastly, the other non-reality based comment I have is that after J-Woww punches The Sitch, the security crew bursts through the door like as its happening… wtf!

J Says: 1000000000000 Fistpumps... That’s cuz people know us Jersey bitches are unpredictable... You gotta always be ready with security... Just come to a club sometime with me this summer! We party like rockstars!!! Wooh Wooh!!!

Stay tuned Guidettes! Episode 8 coming right up!

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Doodles Couture

Sometimes the lines between art and commerce are so deliciously confused that we drool over must-have merchandise while simultaneously kvelling over modern-day masterpieces. Such is the case with illustrator Cédric Rivrain’s genius sketches for Maison Michel’s Spring lookbook. Injecting even more whimsy to Laetitia Crahay’s designs, Rivrain has morphed the familiar faces below into Mucha-esque subjects. Bravo!

Lou Doillon's Magic Boobs, Stairway to Kate Moss Heaven, Heidi Bunny Mount.

Sunbather Anouk Lepere (I think), MK and A have a Pet (I am obsessed with this one!), Milla Jovovich is a Goddess!
Lara Stone's does Bardot so well, Irina Lazareanu Blooms, Sasha Pivovarova in Kitties and Dolls!

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Get Ready to FISTPUMMMMMMMMMMMMMP!

As any of my Facebook Friends or Twitter Tweeps would know, I recently found love... on the Jersey Shore. If there is some earthly reason why you don’t understand what I mean, here’s a little peek!




Since the show’s premiere just short of a month ago, the show has become too big a part of my consciousness for me to ignore it on le blog. So, starting next week (sorry… in LA this weekend)… I’ll be presenting my weekly (hopefully) Jersey Shore Recap.

For a bit of credibility, I’ll be raising my Jersey Shore points to a real-life Jerseyan, my fabulous friend J Lorenzo, who while being Cuban and not Italian, sports a Snookiesque coloured tan and loves to drink in hot tubs sans underwear. But wait, here’s where the main shred of credibility reigns, his sister used to date Vinny (aka. the college grad who is ‘not a Guido but likes to fist pump like the rest of them’)!

Stay tuned Guidettes!