Given that Jers Shore Finale is happening this Thursday (!!!), you’ll only be getting my two cents for approx. three episodes, but here goes, Guidettes! I will be making random points about what I thought were the most amazingly ridic moments of the show. Those moments will then be rated by real-life resident Jerseyian, J Lorenzo in the following ways:
FISTPUMPS: J loves this! He would do the same! He wishes he was getting punched in the face or falling down the stairs…
SNOOKI PUNCH: J thinks this is bogus, this would never happen on the Jersey Shore
Episode 7 was like a trip down memory lane for me, as I myself took a similarly grimy trip to Atlantic City when I was a Teen Vogue intern. During our weekend of amazingness in good ole AC, my wallet was stolen; passport confiscated and learned that many Atlantic City residents carry guns in their cars as a regular practice. Ok, on to my fave moments of this latest hour of bliss:
Randi Says: I’d first like to point out that I have a major hate-on for Sammi ‘Sweetheart' because she is not ‘hot’ in the least bit and I can’t understand how she got her ‘hot girl’ crown. She is also a drunken mess like 75% of every episode and says the most ridic things ever and somehow always gets Ronnie to apologize! Please explain! Am I doing something wrong? Should I be wearing bootie shorts every say too? Should I compulsively be touching my razor sharp mousy grey/brown hair too? Euch.
J Says: 8/10 Fistpumps... All Guidettes have their men on leashes! But their men also be fistpumping with every girl in site behind their back, so it’s a typically balanced Jersey relationship.
Randi Says: Ronnie starts calling J-Woww J-Lo for some reason in this episode. Is he trying to be funny (because he’s the funny one?) or are the Roids just getting to his head?
J Says: 10/10 Fistpumps... Those juiceheads always be changing names... Remember he started calling Snooki “Schnikers” within the first five minutes of the first episode.
Randi Says: The Situation believes that him and his date were pretty cute… what?
J Says: Is this the “sloppy seconds”? If so, 100000000 Fistpumps!!! That is every guido and guidette EVER TO BE BORN! That girl was a camera whore anyway, AND a hooker! Well, “hooka” if you say it with my accent.
Randi Says: Snooki’s general encounter with ‘The Cowboy’ was like the best thing ever! All of these amazing lines happened in under 10 minutes!
“I like save animals”
“I’m not a Guido I’m a Guidette” (big distinction here I suppose...)
“I really liked him, I don’t know why we didn’t have sex”
“I know he’s clean”
J Says: 7/10 Snooki Punches! No self-righteous Guidette would ever hook up, nor even want to hook up with some “cowboy”. He was nasty anyway, clean as The Situation, as far as I’m concerned.
Randi Says: I’m not even going to wait for J’s commentary… 10 fist pumps way UP for The Situation and Vinny’s fight about being cocksucksers
J Says: 10 Fistpumps indeed!!! This is just self-explanatory.
Randi Says: Ok wait. Pause. One thing I’d like to point out amidst all of these delightful comments is that this is the first episode where I started to feel like the show’s hilarity was a tad scripted, like maybe it’s because I don’t know a thing about Italians, but Pauly’s Israeli flame is something I sure do know a thing our two about: Firstly, there is like no way in hell she would suggest to eat Kosher food because Israelis never eat kosher food! Secondly, she would not have been freaked out about having pre-marital sex because obvi that’s the only kind of sex Israelis know and love!
J Says: 10/10 Fistpumps... Honey you haven’t been livin in Jersey... Those Israeli bitches be all about those hottt Gotti Boys Guidos... And they definitely stalkas! Me and my boy had to deal with one of them bitches the other night, AT A GAY BAR!!!
Randi Says: While we’re still on the Israeli chick, I love how Pauly doesn’t even have a Passport! I mean what would the point be in visiting Italy, right?
J Says: 8/10 Fistpumpsss... These guidos think they Italian, but they aint! Talk to one about why they drive BMWs, and they say “because it’s Italian”
Randi Says: Ronnie appears to have made his first funny: The Situation: “I like my girls like my clothes, with plenty of options” Ronnie: “You like your girls like your underwear, dirty”
J Says: 3 Snooki Punches... Ronnie just makes me sick...
Randi Says: I’m sad to say that I were on JS, I’d probably be Snooki. If only for the fact that she’s always saying ‘Fuck my life’. But really though, poor effing Snooki! The Sitch calling her fat was probs worse than the Sucker Punch in the bar.
J Says: 5/10 Fistpumps for the Sitch... Please, I called that bitch a fat how at the D’Jai’s Reunion Party cuz her and her busted friends were splashing water in the pool all over everyone, even though they were wearing the full Fall Collection of sparkly dresses from Joyce Leslie... TRASH! (Editors note, I have no idea what J is talking about here but it sounds sooooo authentic doesn’t it?)
Randi Says: lolsies x1000 to “I want to stab him in the eyeball”
J Says: 2/10 Fistpumps... I’ve heard better, they need to find some hardcore guidettes. This aint nuttin as to what I’ve seen!
Randi Says: Why is J-Woww always humping guys on stages? Humping. Not Grinding.
J Says: 10/10 Fistpumps! I do that shit too girl! You go J-Woww, You go!!! Woooooohhhhh! But I grind as well, and touch myself, so I’m better!
Randi Says: lastly, the other non-reality based comment I have is that after J-Woww punches The Sitch, the security crew bursts through the door like as its happening… wtf!
J Says: 1000000000000 Fistpumps... That’s cuz people know us Jersey bitches are unpredictable... You gotta always be ready with security... Just come to a club sometime with me this summer! We party like rockstars!!! Wooh Wooh!!!
Stay tuned Guidettes! Episode 8 coming right up!